Is this an interview?

I've been on countless interviews. Which is why when I received a "worst interviews ever" e-newsletter in my inbox recently, I thought, "I could write one of those!"

I immediately thought about titling this entry: "Are you Freaking Kidding Me?" but chose to stay above the dramatics and simply chose "Is this an interview?" instead. (Though I did want to add "Or are you just happy to see me?")

Everyone knows when they've nailed it in an interview. Maybe the interviewer lingered just a little bit longer making small talk. Or maybe she'd started using phrases like "your team," "your office," or "when you start next Friday." There's no denying it, when you hear that Rocky theme music in your head after exiting your new boss' office building, you're already imagining what your new business cards are going to look like.

The flip side of that is when the interviewer's handshake is weak and he averts his eyes or worse yet, doesn't even give you the office tour.

Of course, even more puzzling is when you feel that everything clicked and they're still not that into you! There is no exact science to interviews - you can do everything right and still not get the job. But what you certainly don't want to do is tip the scales in favor of another applicant by doing everything wrong.

I'm going to share some experiences that I've had in hopes that you either don't repeat them or help shed some light on why you're not getting that job.

1. Be careful of those "out of the box questions." Many companies are trying to ask questions that may sound like they're trying to find out how creative or daring you are, but can result in you giving up more information than you should. I'll never forget this one company that asked that question that has now become famous: Who, living or dead, would you most like to have dinner with and why. Now I SHOULD have chosen folks like: Mother Teresa, Abraham Lincoln, and Nancy Reagan. I say "should have" because of the make up of the panel interviewing me. They were all women probably ages 25-40. Those three people would have been safe choices. I don't know what I was thinking when I said, Jesus -- not a bad choice, then Oprah - again, I'm okay here, because what woman doesn't like her, right? Also, they're not likely to vote against me for liking her. But then I really blew it by choosing, Nicole Brown Simpson, the murdered wife of OJ Simpson. What was I thinking?

I began telling them the "why" of my choices. I said I'd ask Jesus about his family life. What was it like being so perfect? Did your other brothers and sisters resent you? (I use humor to diffuse uncomfortable or difficult situations) Fortunately, for me, the panelists did giggle a bit. I said with Oprah I would just like to ask her to adopt me. Again, they laughed. So you see now I can't really make a joke about Nicole. So I attempted seriousness by adding, "I think I'd ask her who really killed you?" Now everyone woman in American KNOWS who killed Nicole. (Yes, I'll admit it now, I was holding out hope.) At that point in the interview, there was nothing I could do. I was basically telling them that I was siding with a psychotic killer and who really wants to work in an office with someone who doesn't share your innate beliefs?

Lesson learned? No matter how tempting it is to "go there" -- don't. Keep answers on track and try to relate everything to your own skills, qualifications, and abilities.

2. Take a dry run if you're not familiar with the area. I arrived in Silver Spring, Md. in January of 2002. I came from Huntington, W.Va. where the rush hour lasts about 20 minutes. So I've had to get used to the traffic patterns in the Washington, D.C. area. Whenever, I have to drive into D.C., I almost always opt to use the train because I get so nervous about driving. I can't tell you how many times I've been either right on time or about 5 minutes late. In those instances the interviews seem to start particularly slow because the interviewer had already perceived that either I thought I was a prima donna or didn't care much for the job. And you know what? Subconsciously, I probably didn't give a rat's patootie. If I had cared, I would have made every effort to be on time.

3. He's just not that into you. I'll never forget an interviewer walking me to the door after the interview and saying "Well, thanks and good luck to you!" Most people probably would have taken that and ran home and waited for another call. But I heard it all in his farewell greeting: "Keep looking!". If he were going to hire me, he may have said, "We'll be in touch" or "We'll be making our decision soon." But by wishing me luck, he absolutely meant good luck in my job search.

A company that is interested, wouldn't have to wish me luck. I wrote him an e-mail, thanked him for his time, but added that I wouldn't be pursuing the job at his company any further. I told him that I just didn't feel the chemistry was there. It felt good, because I finally got to dump a guy before he dumped me! Which brings me to my next point ...

4. Don't waste your time! If you have 8 years of experience in your current career, don't waste your time applying for jobs that are entry-level or require only 2-4 years of experience. Sure the economy has taken a turn for the worst in some sectors. But that doesn't mean you have to sell your soul to get a good job.

By taking a job that you are over-qualified for, you'll eventually get bored and will probably hit the road after a year anyway -- if you last that long. Most employers who have vacancies at the entry-level are expecting an individual to stay on for at least 2 years or more.

5. Can you use the term "crack whore" in an interview? Apparently you can! I interviewed with a company recently and the interviewer actually used the term "crack whore." I believe we were discussing my spate as a journalist and I was talking about covering trials and she began talking about watching the television show "Cops." She mentioned how she enjoyed watching "Cops" because she enjoyed seeing the "crack whores" get arrested. I just smiled.

But it was so very obvious to me that she was not prepared to interview people. She even asked me if I had kids! Later she told me that she had her Masters in English. Now, personally, I would think that a person with a Master's degree would certainly know what questions to ask in an interview.

A couple of lessons learned here. Sometimes I have this ability to put people at ease. Maybe I get too comfortable. Certainly, I could do a better job of remaining professional throughout the entire interview. And secondly, if a company is breaking all the rules in an interview, it's probably not going to get any better once you're on board. Run like the wind.

Interviews can be easy to pass, and if not don't sweat it. There are tons of opportunities. It's just a job!